Forged in the Fire

As I was praying for you this morning, I wondered if you realize how fearfully and wonderfully you are made. So many times when going through marital problems, things are said and done that can make us feel pretty worthless. Rejection and shame can take a toll on how we see ourselves. It is important that we don’t receive those things as a measure of who we really are.

Jesus loved you so much He gave His life for you! He paid a heavy price for you because you are so precious to Him and to our Father. He is the only one worthy of determining your worth. You should never let anyone else diminish or deny that worth.

To be sure in every marital conflict there are mistakes made by both spouses. That is what you have done or gone through. That is not who you are. Scripture tells us that we are fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14).

God watched over you as you were formed in your mother’s womb. He rejoiced over you. It didn’t matter if those around you were rejoicing. He was! Already He had plans for your life and good things that He wanted to give you. You were no mistake. You were planned in the heart of God and He eagerly awaited your birth.

As each new cell developed, each new part of your body grew and matured, He kept His eyes on you. You were a miracle with millions of cells multiplying and developing into the unique person God was designing you to be. His desire for you was to discover His perfect love for you. He wanted you to know how very precious your very existence was to Him long before there was anything demanded of you to prove your worth to anyone else.

God has not changed His mind about you. No matter what you have gone through or where you have been in life, He still rejoices over you 24/7. He longs to prove His love for you. He wants you to know that you are priceless to Him, not because of what you can do, but just because you are you!

So today keep your eyes on Him, not on the circumstances around you. Listen to His tender words of love, not those of anger or rejection that may be spoken by someone else. Curl up in His arms and soak in His unconditional love that accepts and cherishes you just as you are.

There is nothing you can say or do that will cause Him to reject you. He wants only the best for you. He longs to spend time with you and hear your voice. He sings His love songs to your heart. Listen to Him and realize how very much He loves you and believes in you. Love, Marilyn

“For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s.” 1 Corinthians 6:12

“My beloved is mine, and I am his.” Song of Solomon 2:16 

Once upon a time in my life I actually had time to knit. Hard to imagine in today’s fast-paced world, but I did. I remember there were times when I discovered I had dropped a stitch or I changed my mind about what I was making and I would take the yarn off the needles and begin to unravel it, wrapping it once again into a ball. It was a slow process and would vary in time depending on how much yarn I had to unravel.

The past few months have felt very much like that in my life. When I first began this journey of seeking to break loose from co-dependent strongholds, I had no idea that God was beginning to unravel things in my life in much the same way I had done with my knitting. It has been a slow but steady process and I have yet to discover where this journey ends.

I had no idea in the beginning how many others would be affected by what God is doing. It is one of the reasons I have been silent in this blog for so long. It is hard to share all that is happening without exposing what God is doing in other lives. Silence seemed wiser.

One thing has become crystal clear to me. If we are serious about getting healed, there is no doubt He will do everything necessary to see that happen.

Sometimes we think we want healing, but the journey seems longer or more painful than we had anticipated. It is then that we must decide if we are willing to go the distance. I am committed to do just that! I hope you are too.

Along the way from time to time, I have been able to encourage others. i believe the Lord wants us to do that no matter where we are in our journey. It is never just about us. it is always about reaching out to others in His name. And He always wants us to reach out from where we are, not from where we are going. If we wait until we get there, we begin to focus only on ourselves.

The truth is, we never really “arrive”. The goal line is always moving. He wants so much more for us than we ever realize. If He let us be satisfied with just what we want to achieve, we would never realize the fullness of His love and power in our lives.

Betrayal, rejection, abandonment…these are all sources of tremendous pain. A wonderful woman that God has placed in my life during this season said to me the first day she met me, “I sense you have experienced anguish.” Yes, anguish. You know exactly what that is.

Sometimes people do spectacular things when their adrenaline kicks in. People have lifted cars or hurled giant rocks, accomplishing feats they could never do under ordinary circumstances. Sometimes when we are standing, we too can do extraordinary feats. Sometimes they are under the power of the Holy Spirit and other times we just grit our teeth and make it happen. What I am discovering on this journey is we must take time for God to heal us. That means admitting weakness, acknowledging pain, facing failure. Standers are not super women or men. You are simply people who have determined to remain faithful no matter what. That being settled, take time to give yourself a bit of attention and love.

Take a moment and ask yourself these questions. If all that has happened with your marriage and family were not happening, who would you be? Where would you be focused? If you were not facing what you are right now, what would your life look like?

Too often we allow circumstances to define us. Your circumstances do not determine who you are. Your life’s goal should not be to react to everything that is happening to you or around you. Too often the Church recommends that you change circumstances to find healing. Get over it. Find a new spouse. That is the ultimate reaction to circumstances!

I’m challenging you today to find out who you are in Christ in the middle of your circumstances. God created you uniquely and with His purpose. He does not intend for you to be shaped by what others say or do. He intends for you to be strong in Him, walking in the freedom and life He purchased for you. The more we realize that, the less baggage we have to carry on the journey. ~ Marilyn

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38

I want to make it very clear that I am no expert in the area of codependency.  I am learning as I go and if you are on the same journey, we can learn together. There are many resources available and many support groups that may help you. I joined one at one time, but just about everyone was divorced and that seemed to be the theme of their recovery. I knew that was not the support group for me. You must make similar decisions about what will or will not help you on your journey.

Recently I learned about the Karpman Drama Triangle. See if you see yourself in this one. The first corner of the triangle is Rescuer. We see someone’s need and we feel we must take care of it. We step in and take the responsibility off someone else. They may or may not have asked for help, but we determined they need it and so we attempt to rescue them from their situation.

Rescuing is doing something for someone that they could do themselves.

It is not just helping, it is doing something out of guilt or a need to avoid conflict. We may do it because we think the other person can’t do it well enough or to suit our standards. We may do it because we think the other person won’t do it. Whatever our reason, we step in and rescue the other person from having to do it.

After a while we move to the second point of the triangle, Persecutor. The person we are doing things for just doesn’t seem to appreciate our sacrifice. He or she isn’t grateful. In fact, that person may even criticize us for what we have done. We feel we have given so much, done so much, and this is the thanks we get. They may even come to expect our rescue, even demand it. Now we are no longer volunteering our help, it is expected and we have no choice in the matter.

That is when we start letting that person know how we feel about the whole thing. We remind them how many times we have had to do this thing. We explain how hard it is for us or how much pain it causes us. We remind them of how much trouble they cause and what chaos they have created. Or we reprimand them for not doing the things we expect them to do. “Somebody has to do it and why is it always me!”

Of course, most people don’t respond well to this type of treatment and so they respond negatively to us. Before long we move to the third corner of the triangle, Victim. “Why am I always the one who gives and gives and gets nothing in return?” We bemoan the fact that we are the “good” spouse, the loving one, the selfless one and we are getting nothing out of this relationship. We get angry. We pout. We cry.

Then, because we are Christians, we determine our behavior is ungodly.  We beat ourselves up for being so selfish. What is wrong with me? Why aren’t I more loving and kind? After a few rounds of “shoulds” and “shouldn’ts” we become convinced that there must be something terribly wrong with us for complaining in the first place. Now we are ready to once again move to the Rescue corner and begin the drama again.

I have walked out this drama triangle hundreds of times in my life, but recently I discovered I am learning on this journey. I had agreed to help someone set up a new computer. I determined it was not something they could do for themselves, and I also determined I was willing to help. What I failed to recognize, though is that an old pattern was in play.

After a couple hours of setting everything up and installing everything that needed to be installed, the person I was helping told me it was not what they wanted. The old tapes began to play in my head. “Nothing I ever do is good enough. After all the time and effort I have spent here…” But, praise the Lord, I am learning. I caught myself mid thought.

I was able to respond, not in anger and persecution, but in love. “If this doesn’t work for you, I can set your old computer up again. You make the decision. It is your computer.” The person tried to put the decision back on me, but I held my ground. Finally they decided to have me set up the old one again. I was able to leave their home in peace because their decision did not reflect on how I felt about myself. I was not there to rescue them and what they decided to do with the computer was simply what they wanted done, not a reflection on my efforts.

That evening I was spending some time with the Lord, thanking Him for this new healing in my life. During that time the Lord showed me something I had forgotten to tell that person about their new computer. I called them and shared what the Lord had showed me. “That’s all I wanted. I didn’t know the computer could do that. I really want it.”

In the past I would have been well into Victim by the time I reached home that day. Instead my heart was open to hear what the Lord wanted to tell me. I was not responsible for the other person’s reaction or decision. Their acceptance or rejection of the computer did not reflect on my worth or the validity of my act of kindness in helping them.They are now loving their new computer and I am loving my new freedom!

You are responsible for your words and your actions.

You are not responsible for someone else’s words or actions. You are not responsible for how someone else reacts. That’s why you need to ask the Lord what He wants you to say and do. Then obey Him and don’t worry about the effect that has on your spouse. You can tie yourself in knots taking your cues and determining your worth from someone else, especially someone who is not in a healthy place right now.

One last thought… If you are in a situation where you are in physical danger if you do not act or respond the way someone else wants you to, seek help now! Do not believe that it is your fault or that it would not happen if you just said or did the right things. You are in the worst kind of codependent relationship when an abuser is determining your worth for you. No one deserves to be treated that way. That is not love and staying in that situation is not a way of showing love to your spouse. Get help and get healthy. Then you can stand for your marriage strong in the Lord, not weakly dependent on a sick person. Love, Marilyn

“Be hospitable to one another without grumbling. As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.” 1 Peter 4:9-10

“So let each one give as he purposes in his heart, not grudgingly or of necessity; for God loves a cheerful giver.” 2 Corinthians 9:7

As I began walking through this journey, I began to realize that since I was a small child, I have felt responsible for the well-being of my family members. I have always been the family “rescuer” – the one everybody counted on to smooth over conflicts and restore peace. I learned early in life how to rescue others.

When I chose a career, it was nursing. I thrived taking care of others. In my marriage I became responsible for just about everything. I worked full-time, I took care of the children, I cooked, I cleaned, and still managed to learn to do calligraphy, stained glass, and sewing. I made all our kid’s clothes for many years. I returned to school in the middle of all that to get a Master’s degree. I was superwoman. There was nothing I wouldn’t tackle and nothing I didn’t feel responsible to take care of.

I was shocked when Michael chose to leave me for another woman. I was sure I had not done enough. Immediately I personally became responsible for the healing and restoration of our marriage. I am so grateful God ministered to me and brought me to a place of realizing I was helpless to do it. My heart was transformed during that time and I began walking with the Lord in a very deep and special way.

I am thankful for every one of those days and all that God did in my life. My heart had been broken by the words my husband spoke to me when he left. My self-worth depended on how he felt about me. I believed that I was worthless. For so long I had allowed him to determine how I felt about myself. Thank God that He walked me through to healing in that area and showed me that I am priceless to Him. He gave His very life for me, bought me with a price. My husband’s words no longer determined my worth.

But the rescuing continued even after our marriage was restored. We began a ministry together and I transferred my need to rescue to other marriages. I took on responsibility for the health of the ministry. I allowed the words of others to determine how well I was doing as a minister. I blamed myself if something went wrong. I carried a great weight on my shoulders for many years.

Then, through a series of events, God began to deal with these issues in my life. I began to let go and let God. I actually began to enjoy myself! Ministry became an adventure with the Lord and I no longer had to trust myself to be right all the time. I had made mistakes – first in my marriage and then in ministry – but those mistakes did not determine the life or death of what God had created. That set me free.

Are you a rescuer? Do you feel that you have to fix things – your marriage, your children, your work, or your ministry?

Do you resent having to walk in all that responsibility? Do you feel others don’t pull their weight? Do you feel unappreciated? Do you resent seeing others blessed when you feel they haven’t done enough to deserve it? Are you tired of being “the good spouse”? Do you wish you could have some fun and not care about the consequences?

Do you wonder how long you have to suffer? Do you resent God for not doing more when you have done so much? Do you feel responsible for everyone to have a good attitude about your spouse? Do you think it’s your fault that your spouse ________________? (You fill in the blank: drinks, runs around, left you, wants someone else….) Do you just want to find someone that will take care of you for a change?

If you recognize yourself in any of these patterns, then let’s continue on this journey together. God wants to heal your marriage, but that means letting go of what you hold so tightly as your own. It means honestly looking at what you are responsible for and what you are not. It means realizing that not everything depends on what you say or do. It means coming to a place of knowing who you truly are, not what others have told you that you are. Love, Marilyn

“This is the day the LORD has made;We will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118:24

“For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.” Romans 8:38-39

Please forgive my prolonged absence, but I have been on a journey of my own. For some time I have been intrigued by the evidence of codependency in my own life as well as in the life of many others I have watched stand for a marriage. Many times during my life I began studying the topic, but soon abandoned the study because so many materials on codependency recommend divorce. Again and again, though, I saw the same characteristics in my life and I wanted to be free.

This past year through some things I walked through in my family of origin, I realized it was time to tackle these issues in my life. I was determined that there is a way to be in covenant and yet not be codependent. Our marriage is healthy, but there are characteristics in my own life that I want to see changed. So my journey began.

You may recognize yourself in these patterns and characteristics of codependency. I know I saw many things that were part of my life when I was standing and have remained part of my life all these years later. I think it is particularly important for those of us who are taking a covenant stand to recognize what motivates our stand. Otherwise, as one of our readers noted, it can feel like a stand is destroying you.

I firmly believe that the Lord wants us to remain faithful to our covenant vows in marriage, but I also firmly believe He wants us to be healthy and whole when we do that. If we are drawing our worth or taking our cues from our spouse, his or her actions and reactions are going to determine how we feel and act. That is codependency.

Since I began my own journey of healing, I have started seeing many around me who also remain in these unhealthy patterns long after their marriages have been restored. I have also started to realize that many people in ministry are very codependent and are gaining their self-worth from being able to rescue others. I am going to devote a number of blogs to this topic because I believe it is essential that we all walk through standing and marriage restoration in health.

When we marry, God makes us one (Genesis 2:24). That oneness is a supernatural transformation accomplished solely and totally by God. In 1 Corinthians 12, Paul talks about the Body of Christ. He reminds us that there are many parts, but only one body. So it is with marriage. We are one in Christ, but we are two people with individual gifts, personalities, and talents.

God miraculously creates oneness out of the two diverse, unique people He created. We do not give up how God made us to “blend” with our spouse. We do not have to force unity by becoming less of what God created us to be.

If we have become codependent in our life, though, when we marry we work hard to be what our spouse wants us to be. We can take on responsibility for his or her emotions, reactions, successes, failures, or general well-being. People with codependent characteristics usually seek out and marry people who are dealing with some dysfunction in their lives.

Although none of this is usually a conscious decision, the codependent person becomes responsible for the success of the relationship. Many times they put up with intolerable circumstances just to keep the marriage together. When a spouse decides to leave, the codependent spouse may take on full responsibility for the healing of the relationship.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe God wants to heal every marriage. The key is who is responsible for the healing. If you believe it is God’s responsibility to heal, you will be able to rest in Him and trust Him to do what He needs to do within each of you. If you believe it is your responsibility, then you will tie yourself in knots and consistently rate your “success” by what you have done or said.

Breaking free from codependency is a wonderfully freeing and healing step. If you are constantly feeling guilty that you have not done enough, if you blame yourself that you couldn’t keep your marriage together, if you feel you aren’t worthy enough to be loved fully and completely by your spouse, then you may want to stay tuned for the next steps in the journey. Love, Marilyn

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding…” Proverbs 3:5

“Cursed is the man who trusts in man And makes flesh his strength, Whose heart departs from the Lord” Jeremiah 15:7

Many times people ask me, “How long does do I have to stand? Nothing seems to be happening.” Others express their frustration in other ways. “I don’t think standing is making any difference. He (or she) hasn’t changed a bit.” Others tell me, “Oh, I stood for a few years, but nothing ever happened, so I quit.”

Unfortunately, most people begin standing for their marriage because they love their spouse and  want the marriage restored. Why do I say unfortunately? Because that is the wrong foundation for a stand and when the initial goal is wrong, then all the markers that measure the success of that goal can be  discouraging.

The key to understanding a stand is to understand covenant. The “until death do us part” section of the marriage ceremony is not there just for tradition. God designed marriage covenant to be one man and one woman for life. Covenant gives stability to a relationship and to the family that follows. When we are committed to each other no matter what, we have the incentive to work through situations and challenges. Children can grow up with the security that mom and dad aren’t going anywhere. Covenant provides a strong foundation for a healthy family.

When marriage is based on performance, though, things are fragile. Each spouse has his or her own “tipping point” — the set of circumstances that will cause the break up of the marriage. When that tipping point is reached, for them the marriage is over. Children watch it happen to their friends all the time and every argument between their dad and mom strengthens the fear that this could be it for their family as well.

When one spouse walks out on a marriage and the other spouse determines to stand for the marriage, that stand must be based in an understanding of covenant faithfulness — until death ends the marriage. In other words, the spouse that is standing for the marriage is saying, “I took a vow to be faithful to my husband (or wife) until one of us dies. Since neither of us is dead, that vow still stands and I will honor it with my life.”

That means that I will continue to live as a married person, not dating, not seeking another spouse. I will teach my children to honor and respect their father (or mother) the same way I would do if we were together as a family. I will intercede for my spouse as his (or her) chief intercessor because no one else on earth can pray for him (or her) the way I can because we are one.

When a stand is based on this foundation, time is not a factor. The goal is not to get your spouse back, but to honor the covenant that you freely entered into and the promise that you made to God regarding your own faithfulness. So what you measure is not what your spouse is doing or not doing, but what you are doing or not doing.

Are you seeking the Lord daily? Do you know the peace of being in His presence? Is His Word becoming your daily bread? Do you seek to walk in the spirit and not the flesh? Have you opened your broken heart to God so that He might heal you and strengthen you? Do you know what assignment He has for you? If so, are you fulfilling His call on your life?

One of the greatest problems you will face as you stand is being surrounded by people who believe your marriage is over and you should be “getting on with your life.” Sadly, many of them will be Christians. Instead of helping you grow in the Lord and support your stand of faithfulness, they will encourage you to look to another person or situation for fulfillment. They will think you are crazy for being faithful to a spouse who obviously doesn’t care.

If your initial goal was to get your spouse back, these arguments will make more and more sense to you. If, however, you have based your stand in being faithful to your marriage covenant as long as you both live, then you will realize that finding another person is not the answer. Walking daily with the Lord is so fulfilling that no human being could ever offer a better alternative.

What your spouse does or doesn’t do or say will no longer rule your life. As you fully submit your life to the Lord and begin to experience the joy and peace that only He can bring, frustration will be replaced with purpose and power in Him. There is no lack in Jesus — no loneliness, no frustration, no despair. Those things can only rule our lives when we make something else our goal.

Perhaps as you read this you are thinking it’s easy for me to say those things, my husband came home. Be assured, I can say them to you today because I walked in that place with Jesus before my husband returned. I know the joy and the peace of being there. I have lived what I am telling you today and I can guarantee you there is nothing else like it on the face of this earth. Love, Marilyn

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God;  and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-8

“You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You.” Isaiah 26:3

When Michael left me years ago I was pregnant with our third child, Jason. Because of his father’s rejection, he had a lot of fear and rejection to overcome in his life. Each of our children reacted differently to their woundings and each was healed in a very special way by Jesus. Jason’s journey was a very difficult one but the Lord brought him through miraculously to the powerful man of God he is today.

This morning Jason gave me an engraving for Christmas. This is what it says.

Dear Mom,

As I scan the horizon and observe the lives of others I am often reminded of how truly fortunate and blessed I am.

So many individuals live lives full of compromise, searching for something that will never make them whole. Despite the extraordinary circumstances that you have endured, I am grateful that you took the stand that you did in standing for Dad. Our family has been and forever will be changed as a result of this decision.

What rich lives we lead. I thank God for your faithfulness. Imagine where our family would be today had you decided to take the road that so many others have chosen to take.

– James 1:12

Merry Christmas! I love you, Mom.  Jason

 

Ever wonder if it’s worth it?  You bet it is!  Merry Christmas! Love, Marilyn